I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
