why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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