We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Randomize
