I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I wish there were birth control emojis
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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