That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Can I color on your dick again?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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