We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
