Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Just invented taco cereal.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
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