you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
