So drunk its hurt
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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