And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I wear drunk well.
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