Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
