there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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