oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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