My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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