Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
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