Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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