I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Randomize
