yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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