Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
