so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I could make wine with my vomit
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
