I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
