In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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