U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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