Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
