we're chasing vodka with high fives
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
