Where did you get a picture of my penis
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
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