I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
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