My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
