I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
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