i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize
