I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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