i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
