I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Randomize
