She said her name was "party"
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
