The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
