So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
