mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
