the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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