All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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