bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
