Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
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