I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
