My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
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