I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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