Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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