It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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