I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
