some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
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