Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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