I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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