Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
