It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
