1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
