I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
