My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize