five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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