Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize