dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
