I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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