Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
