Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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