Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
