Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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