Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
