Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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