tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Randomize