im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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