Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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