She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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