that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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