The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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