Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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