i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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